Chapter 1: Escargot

Note: Being that I can't swim AND take photos at the local rec center, you'll all just have to deal with my vacation photos--WHICH, by the way, sounds like hell, but actually I'm saving your retinas from more serious trauma. Believe me.

I'll preface this post by saying that I love Seniors--I do. It's just that they crack me up sometimes with the wacky stuff they say and do. I know, I'm "gonna be one someday" and do all this wacky stuff too--I'm just enjoying the giggle for now.

First, you have to imagine me, the only person under 90 at the pool each day--the time that I am available to workout just happens to coincide with Senior Swim at the pool.  Okay, so I'm missing "Rusty Hinges"--whatever the hell that is, but Senior Swim is pretty traumatic for those who don't fall into that category. It's like traveling to another world--one that is very slow. And it includes a lot of noodles--you know, those long noodle-like floaties that folks use in pools?  Observance #1: Seniors like noodles.

Anywho, half of the pool is marked off so those who want to lap swim (me) can do so. Being that rarely any of the old guys (yeah, it's the guys in the lap lanes) actually swim laps, I'm thinking they just sort of use those lane markers to keep the old women away from them for an hour.

Everyone likes their own lane, but sometimes I'm forced to share--which means I have to just start swimming around the old guys and hope they get the hint to move over.  Problem is, old guys like to float--on their backs with their arms outstretched really far and it is hard to get around that.  And you hate to sneak up and surprise them for fear of getting whacked by a surprised flailing appendage. Plus they do not take kindly to any whippersnappers intruding on their private lane--I get a lot of dirty looks.  Observance #2: Old guys float really well.

Sometimes, it takes a little more than passing another swimmer 4 or 5 times before he gets mad and moves.   I have to swim really slow and hope he notices that I'm passing him.  French Laura at work (yep, she's back) suggested I "submarine those escargot", which is inherently more hilarious when said with a french accent. I giggle at the thought of me having to swim underneath the old guy to pass him--but how else do you pass with his arms fully outstretched?? I'm gonna have to go Jacques Cousteau on these guys, I guess. Observance #3: Old guys like their personal space and don't let it go very easily.

I finally garner a lane and try to mind my own bubbles, so to speak, but the weirdness has only just begun.

As I swam into the shallow end yesterday, I see through my goggles the man in the next lane over.  I see swim trunks, a pair of white legs, and flippers. Homeboy was wearing flippers in the lap lanes. Okay, that is weird--who wears flippers in a pool? Aren't they for snorkeling and scuba diving? And for 5 year olds? Which leads to........

The other dude wearing a full mask and snorkel.  In the swim lanes.  At an indoor pool. That is used for working out. OMG.

I tried not to laugh, I really did.  And it's hard to laugh out loud when you are swimming, but I did. I nearly choked to death cracking up, but I laughed. And I laughed out loud. I didn't even care if he saw me--it was hilarious.


Thank you, blogging gods, for sending me to the pool.