I heard that name yesterday.
I learned that the evil, nasty girl that tormented and bullied me in grade school works for the same company I do. Someone else brought it up to me and so I'm thinking that she knew all along who I was. She even admitted that I "looked familiar" and so she looked me up in her year book. All I kept thinking when she was emailing all this to me is that she hasn't left the hallways of Wilkins Junior High just yet, while I haven't given the place a thought in 35 years. And I get the distinct impression she hasn't changed her ways very much either.
You know, I'm all about frogs and change here at the Duck and Wheel. I love how that squishy 'ol tadpole blossoms into that smiley-faced beauty and leads a life very different from his beginning. I find it incredible how time and a wee bit of algae can make a guy change and sprout arms and such. And while most folks don't always think the final product is all that lovely, at least you have to appreciate the journey, right?
I was squishy once a very long time ago--like the tadpole. I was awkward and unsure of myself. I was lumpy and didn't wear hip clothes. Sure I was a big dork, but I don't think I deserved what this dame dished out--nobody did. She referred to me as "Smelly" for all of middle school (and well into high school) and then tormented me in the hallways at every opportunity. She was a bully, plain and simple--and the mere mention of her name makes my stomach churn.
It's incredible that after all of these years, some people just don't change. I mean, have you ever seen a tadpole that never turns into a frog? I haven't--I think they shrivel up and die if they don't have the ability to transform and to change for some reason. And it's a darn shame because I'm thinking that life as a frog can be a good one--there's all that warm sunshine on your back and delicious bugs to be enjoyed.Who the hell cares how you started out, right? It's where you end up that matters.
I've struggled with my frog self in the last few hours, trying to justify that I have no reason to feel ashamed for the tadpole that I was or that somehow, silly me, I deserved any of that treatment. But it is hard to escape those middle school feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. That darn middle-schooler has a big stage whisper on some days--and she makes me feel bad about myself.
I wish I could say that I have forgiveness in my heart, but I do not. In the end, I have to remember that I like the frog that I have become. I have grown and changed from all those years ago and middle school did not define me and who I am. If it defined this particular tadpole, then I have to pity her--it seems there is some shriveling going on.
29 comments:
I have several friends who haven't changed. One from as far back as kindergarten who said she wouldn't go to the hs reunion because the kids weren't nice to her then, why would she want anything to do with them 30 years later. Another who is stuck in the 80's-hair, clothes and not all there mind.
You are the ultimate of cool, Lin. I would've been proud to know you then as I am now. Kids will be kids and then some just don't grow up. Bet their parents were evil too.
ps I am no longer talking to those friends on a regular basis and haven't for years.
Excellent essay, Lin. It is truly sad that some tadpoles never become frogs. I'm so happy that you made it to your "froghood." Oh, my. Did I just call you a frog? ;-)
Isn't it amazing how something from our childhood can still effect us today? I wonder if the kids that were mean in school know they were a bully. Probably not.
Sending good thoughts out to anyone who was ever picked on in school. I know there are a lot of us who were. :(
Hugs,
xo Catherine
Oh no! I grew up in Phoenix so I am FAR away from my tormentors! A few have friend requested me on FB, but I blocked them! Too bad you can't block Scut!
That girl/woman is to be pitied. You moved on - keep going.
We didn't have middle school when I was a kid, there were a few - very few - places called Junior High School - which were grades 7, 8 and 9 (I think). Almost all schools were K-8, public/private/parochial. Middle school sounds like a very dangerous place.
With all the press bullying gets these days I try to remember how much of it went on when I was in school and I don't recall any being directed at me. I was shy, fat, ugly, poor, had weird clothes and I was smart - seems if ever there was a target for a bully it was someone like me but it never happened. There was some occasional teasing but that was because of my name (Grace) and my ethnicity (Italian) but not a lot. Of course I also had a reputation for having a hot temper and after beating the crap out of any number of bigger kids (as well as stabbing Jimmy Quirk with my compass) I was rarely the butt of any jokes or bullying.
I wanted to shed that awful tadpole experience, too. But even a frog still had tadpole tendencies.... so I'd rather skip the amphibians!
This is why people become born-again Christians, you know. Everybody has something they don't like about themselves, and they know they are not right with God or themselves because of it. Rather than escaping from the painful truth through drugs or wealth or whatever, some want lasting change-- peace of mind and peace with God.
I really dislike public schools because of the "socialization." Whose idiotic idea was it to throw a bunch of similarly-aged youths into a building and let them all duke it out for four years together with little or no direction?!
First a tadpole.
Then a frog.
And then you croak.
You speak true when you say, "And while most folks don't always think the final product is all that lovely, at least you have to appreciate the journey, right?" It is about the journey we are all in a process of becoming. Can you imagine a 5-lb tadpole?
Babe, remember - you are in control of her 40lK right now.
Bwahahahahaha
Bullies are such insecure people and envious of others but don't know how to express it. Best to be ingnored at any age. Phyl
You know, its funny.
I got a Facebook friend request from someone who was completely hateful to me in high school. And I had that same gut reaction; specific incidents, things that were said; they all came back. And I ended up accepting her request but sending her a PM and basically telling her everything I'd wanted to say for years about how she treated me. Maybe she's a better person now. That would be good. Its too late to change what happened but it felt good to be honest. (And I wasn't nasty, not at all.) It felt a little foolish at first to do it but in the end I felt like I dumped some too long carried baggage.
You know I don't think that the bullies ever change... Heaven knows that I have some in my past as well. One of the reasons that I love living far from where I grew up is that I rarely have to deal with those blips from my past :)
Ah well, just ribit louder and the other frogs will hear and respond. Who cares about a tadpole from the past. Translation- cheer up... you have friends here.
Helene--I keep in contact with those people I like from H.S.--I have no need to go to the reunion to make a crowd for the knuckleheads. A few years back, I half-jokingly replied to an invite to a reunion by saying "Couldn't stand ya then, can't stand ya now".
Vanilla--I'll take it as a compliment, pally. :) I think I called myself a frog too.
Catherine--I think this particular dame knows exactly what she did and still can't stand me. Do I care? Nope. But it will make for an awkward business relationship. So that's my question--Do I say "Oh yeah, I remember you! You were mean to me!"?? Or just pretend I don't remember her?
Diana--That's what is so weird about it--I can pretty much deal with anyone but HER. Why does she have to work with me where I have to be nice? I'm being tested, I guess.
Grace--Apparently this dame had her own issues and I was the easy target. But to continue with the attitude??! Really? It's gonna make work even more interesting than it already is now. :(
Rebecca--Do you really think the christian-based schools don't "allow" teasing, bullying, cliques? My experience with public schools has never had that pagan, let hell rule, kinda environment, pally. Believe it or not, good, god-loving Christians worked there as well, teaching us right from wrong and holding us accountable for bad behavior. We just didn't have to take religion classes, wear plaid skirts, or go to mass before school. I think my experience is one that goes on with pre-teens and teens everywhere--including the Christian schools.
Chuck--There are some big tadpoles out there, Chuck. And they are ruining the fun for the rest of us frogs.
Pricilla--Hahahaha! Thanks for the laugh, pallly. :)
Phyl--Yep. Makes you wonder why they choose you as their target though.
Shieldmaiden--Thank you, because that is what I wanted to do, but didn't because it was work. I'm pretending I don't remember her for that reason, and I'm hoping that drives her nuts. She did, after all, look me up in her yearbook.
Stephanie--I'm with you--I don't think they change. I know this dame hasn't from the email she sent me. I thought this was all behind me too. :(
Sharkey--I don't like that for a day I felt really bad about myself. And why, I don't know. It wasn't me who did the bullying. I'm with Stephanie--once a bully, always a bully. Thanks for cheering me up. :)
Chances are she has a really unsatisfying life if she is still hanging on to the middle school years.
Forget about her Lin. She's got nothing on ya. You have a really cool blog with really cool blog pals and we can all sit here and talk about her and she'll never know :)
I totally understand this post today! I can recall every detail of those times when I was bullied and I often wonder if the bully knows just what they did to me. It's too bad you have to work with her but you are looking hot now, you have a great family and of course you have Hobbes and Grace so she's probably jealous as hell!
If she hasn't changed, then she hasn't grown, and she's the one to be pitied.
It's funny how at my high school reunion the boys from the hood kept telling the belt story. They find it hilarious thinking I thought it was a snake. But it was a belt, something that was used at home for punishment, so I wasn't scared of a snake, I was scared of the belt. Whatever, I've grown more in the last 12 years than they have their whole lives.
There is a reunion of the hood in October. I'm hoping to see some other people from the old hood, not those douchebags.
Lola's Diner
I understand completely the anger you feel. I was unfortunate enough to be a kid who was taught to fight back. The bullies would begin a fight, I would finish it, and then I would be the one in trouble. If you do nothing, you suffer. If you tell the teachers, they only get angry with you for bothering them. I still wish bad things for past bullies.
Well I happen to think you are dam hot frog. And so does Joe;-) So who cares about "mean girl!" The people who love you now and think you are cool, are the same kind of people who would have befriended you 35 yrs ago. Because in the end, we are all popular among our own chosen group of peers.
Ann--You guys are great! Everyone made me feel so much better. :) Thank you. I'm with you--if you cling to your teen years as your identity, then I've got to wonder why the rest of your life is so bad. I am nothing like I was in high school or grade school for that matter. From what I know of this dame, she has not changed in the least.
Beaded Tail--I think this dame is totally aware of what she did to me, BUT she shows no shame. You gotta wonder why she is so interested in me after all these years, don't ya? Weird. Thanks for the support, pally. It was really needed.
Lola--Some people never change, do they? Oh, if only they knew why you were afraid of that belt--I wonder if they'd get it. I hope you have a good reunion--without the weenies.
Ratty--I think bullies are that way because they already have issues. I can remember picking on another girl after this one would pick on me. I apologized to her later for it. Still didn't make it right though. Why do I think this dame has a miserable life if she is still living in those days?
Jodi--Thanks, pally. :) I don't care about her in the least. In fact, I just acted like I don't remember her--I figured that would get her more than anything else. Make her insignificant, right? I like who I am--maybe that is what bothers her?
Isn't if funny how some people never changed? There's this jerk in middle school who used to think she was too cool to befriend me and now she wants to add me as friend on FB! And from all the pics I've seen of her on someone else's wall, she is still acting like she's super cool again!! And funny, at 49 I still feel insecure.
Wow, this was great honey... I want to say more but you've said everything that needs to be said
Veronica--I am still insecure too, pally. Isn't that funny that we can feel like that at our age?? At what point does that go away? What is it about bullies that they can't just leave you alone--even after all those years? Do they really think we are gonna like them now? I would block your FB request--but that is just me. There should be some place where we don't have to deal with them.
Tracy--Thanks for the support, pally. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this one.
I know what you mean...and even if you don't run across that exact person, it's that type of person that you identify in adult life makes you feel exactly the same way you did as a dorky tadpole.
Some people don't change but many definitely do. You just need to ignore those people who are petty or stuckin the past. You are so much better than that.
I have a really, really hard time letting go of that stuff too. It did help when I saw that the girl who I so resent is a wrinkled up old woman now from years of too much sun. ;)
Nancy--Yeah, what is with that??! And what are the odds that I now work with my tormentor??? Ugh. Lucky me.
Anne--I just keep pretending that I don't remember her. I figure that will get her goat more than anything. Yeah, she didn't change.
Violet--I don't think we ever forget who tormented us in grade school. That stuff sticks like glue, unfortunately. Yeah, this gal is no dreamer either--or maybe it is my perception of her because of her nastiness. Funny how I thought she was nasty at work before I realized who she really was.
This made me so sad because I want to HATE her for you, but mostly because I was bullied in grade school..AND I was also the bully in middle school. And I constantly want to apologize to the girl I bullied. I was HORRIBLE. And I was SOOO insecure and desperately fighting to fit in. SO I picked the ONE person who was lower on the social scale than me...and that's how I thought of life. That in my entire school I was second to lowest.
All I can say to you is that "hurt people hurt people" and as a kid that woman was probably desperate for love at home. It's NO excuse, just a sad story that if she STILL acts that way, imagine how horrible she must STILL feel inside?
You are incredible. When you see her just think "This poor woman doesn't have a hobbes in her life" :)
I adore you and I don't even know you...and I bet that despite her current misery she KNOWS exactly who you are and what she did and is completely ashamed...on SOME level. I know I am.
peewee--thanks for understanding, pally. I, too, admit to picking on another girl "lower" on the scale than me too because of this. It's a horrible chain, isn't it? At least I apologized to this girl--and my mom rode me until I did. I get the distinct impression that this dame doesn't get that what she did was wrong. She thinks she is hilarious for some reason. I know some other stuff about her which leads me to the conclusion that she was/is floundering, but that is no excuse. In the end, I have a really nice life and have really great friends--idiots like her have no control or bearing over my life anymore. I like being grown up. ;)
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