Like JD, today's post is gonna be all about how I do things so that you don't have to. And don't be bailing on me now, I need all the sympathy I can get.Okay, maybe it's a little TMI, but I have a sore butt so you don't have to. And it's sore. Really sore. Like I can't sit down sore. Which makes working at a computer in an office a little, uh, uncomfortable to say the least.
I searched "sore butt" on Google and was convinced I am dying and that I don't have long left in this world. I would have sat on the couch and cried but it just hurts to much to sit. If I'm gonna die, apparently I'm gonna have to do it standing up.
I researched "colon cancer", "colorectal cancer", "rectum pain", "sore butt", "tender butt", "it hurts to sit"--among other creative combinations. I wasn't finding anything that really covered my sore bum problem, so I did what I do--I asked a couple of friends. Well, they all seem to think it is hemorrhoids, but I didn't believe it--it hurts wayyyy too much. I've seen those commercials for Preparation H, but they didn't say how much they hurt.
And then I called mom and she calmly told me that it's one of those great family inheritances. "Just sit in a hot bath and soak," she says like a sore butt is an every day occurrence, "and get some of those suppositories--they work wonders". And she went on telling me all about who had them in our family history, and when, and all that other hereditary crap.
Great. Why couldn't my family bequeath me something great and useful like a giant wad of cash or a mansion, or even a summer cottage on a solitary beach? Nope. They give me things like a painful bumps on my feet and hemorrhoids. That is my lot in life.
And to add insult to injury, I made an appointment with my doctor just to have this checked out (just in case I really am dying) and they tell me I have to go to the surgeon--the very handsome and witty surgeon that did my hernia surgery. Crud. Now I have to deal with McDreamy looking up my bum.
Who wants to be me?
33 comments:
I have never heard of a sore butt that's not hemorrhoid related. You're confounding!
Thanks for taking the sore butt-I have enough with a sliced arm, sliced fingers and a torn up knee.
I was taken back by Hobbes porn shot there this morning. But, really, I hope your bum feels better soon. And, if you have to have your bum stared at at least it is viewed by a McDreamy. Look to that bright side.
OUCH!
Get a donut pillow so you can sit down. I appreciate you carrying our burden.
I carry the burden of the lumpy thighs.
Heredity: pick your ancestors carefully.
[Bummer, so to speak]
No I don't want to be you visiting Mr. McDreamy! Take your Moms advice, and hopefully things will END up better!
I had a peri-anal abscess once. It required surgery. The symptoms were pretty much what you describe. For hemorrhoids, Preparation H is useless. Zinc oxide ointment works wonders. Hope you find some relief soon.
At least your doc is a McDreamy and not a McGross Old Man. But I guess if my bum doc was the female version of McDreamy, I would be embarrassed or at least uncomfortable too.
You got your family's bad bum gene and I got my family's bad back gene. Fortunately doctors aren't as knife happy as they were back when my dad had problems. He had 2 surgeries and probably would have needed another if the cancer hadn't got him.
If it's 'roids, at least it's easily fixed. In the mean time, you can go to Walgreens and get an inflatable donut to make sitting less painful. Sitz baths are good too. (Also available at Walgreens.) Prep H moist medicated towelettes are good too. (Don't ask me how I know this stuff. Lol!)
Have you been sleep walking to the gym again Lynn?
... of all the things to inherit...a fortune... a hotel empire... etc. You and I - we inherit stuff like this.
Hardly seems sporting.
Tracy
Not me babe, I got enough of my own problems LOL
Hmmm. Not sure I needed to know this, but I guess if I get one, I'll know why. I think it wouldn't be fun on a hike.
So sorry.
At least you can rest assured that your Dr.McDreamy has looked up many a bum before ye
Unfortunately, I can speak from experience on this one. You got yourself some 'rhoids my friend.
I would definitely try Prep H before I went to the doctor and asked him to look up my keester. It will probably fix the problem and then you can save face with McDreamy.
Ouch! I hope that you get back to feeling like you soon!
Well. today I can see your hand towels and they're very cute. So sorry about your roids, Bill has that problem and could sympathize and he tells me about them all the time so I feel for ya.
wow bummer :)I do feel for ya, I had that problem when my kids were born, went home from the hospital with my own personal sitz bath.
Nothin a cold nite out on the old aluminum bleachers cheering on the band wouldn't cure. (NOT) Fran's Dad
I can't imagine what that feels like, but I feel very bad for you. at least you can still seem to keep up good spirits and entertain us with a story. It shows you're a strong person.
I would've never thought hemorrhoids were something to be inherited. I hope all I inherited was hypothyroid. Hope you get to feeling better!
I was going to say that it sounds like hemmrhoids to me too. The donut pillow may help or roll a huge towel in a circle and sit on that. Plus witch hazel pads help too.
Hope your appointment with McDreamy turns out better than expected.
Violet--Oh, I'm always convinced I'm dying, Violet. Even if it is a cold. I tend to get a little dramatic--if you haven't noticed.
Helene--Oh, we make quite the team, don't we Helene!! I hope you are feeling better.
Jodi--I'm feeling better so I canceled the appt, Jodi. I have to be in bad pain to have him look up my rear!
Melodie--Those commercials don't do it justice! owie, owie, owie....
lifeshighway--I'm gonna have to dig out my floaty from when the kids were little. Does it matter if my donut has sea horses on it?? :) Oh, I have lumpy thighs two. It's the double whammy. Ugh.
Vanilla--Where was I when they were handing out families??? Probably in the bathroom. Sigh.
Hot Rocks--I'm feeling somewhat better so I canceled the appt. Whew! I'm not having anyone looking in there if they don't absolutely HAVE to!
Chuck--OWIE! That sounds worse than what I have!! It's better now, Chuck, I think I'm gonna live after all. Whew.
Lola--I'm gonna send Joe over to the Walgreens with that list. Can you see him hauling a donut around ??? Can't be worse than me bringing it to the office. Ugh. Yeah, subtle, eh?
Nancy--I have NO idea where this came from, Nancy! It's just another bonus of getting old. Ugh.
Tracy--I'm gonna get hemorrhoids and a garage full of crap--that is my lot in life! Sigh. At least I have a good sense of humor through it all.
Grace--Party pooper. (no pun intended)
Sharky--Well, it was a toss up between TMI and trying to make light of it. I have a tendency to deal with things with humor. Thank god.
Pricilla--I'm feeling a wee bit better, so I canceled on McDreamy. Whew! It's gonna have to take a LOT of pain to have someone looking in there.
CG--Yeah, I'm gonna save "face". Hee! Hee! I did cancel the appt today because I'm feeling a tad better. I just don't want someone looking up my hiney if I don't absolutely have to. Ewwww.
Stephanie--It is very owie. Those commercials don't even BEGIN to tell you how painful this is!
Jude--You better give Bill LOTS of sympathy when he gets these, Jude. They are AWFUL! Sheesh, I never knew. I'm just hoping never to have this again.
Ann--I'm sending Joe out for a sitz bath now. I parted with mine from childbirth a LONG time ago. I did love it so, back then.
Fran's Dad--Just the thought makes me quiver with fear. Owie!
Ratty--If I don't laugh, I'm gonna cry! That's how I deal with most things--gotta find humor in it somewhere. I'm really searching on this one. ;)
Beaded Tail--I guess the predisposition is what I inherited. Isn't that nice? Of course I don't get the big boobs. Sigh.
Chocolate--Thanks for the suggestions, pally. I'm gonna try those. I wonder if the folks at work are giggling watching me dance around in my chair all day? I finally had to come clean. Yeah, TMI at the office too.
feel better!!!!!!!!!!
Haaaaaaaaaaaa! (OK, I'm done now.)
Hahahahahaooooohhhhhehehehe... (OK, for real this time.)
You inherited a sore butt syndrome? What a treat. At least tell your kids so they know what's going on if the end up with it and don't go searching for all sort of rectal thinks on Google.
But in all seriousness, hope you feel better. This doesn't sound like fun at all.
Bummer Dude! Er...Sorry Lin about your pain. Take Mom's advice, she really knows best.
At least the doctor is handsome :)
You know, that's just the laugh I needed today. It's been one heck of a day. Here are a few words to sum it up: Tourette Syndrome, doctors lacking bedside manners, scrapes, and fires. Needless to say, my blog post is coming soon. :)
I do, however, hope you feel better soon. Stock up on the Preparation H! :)
I have no idea how to reply to this post. Hope you get help.
Please visit my blog again and try to leave a guess. This is your last chance.
Anna
http://annasadornments.blogspot.com/2010/03/guess-name-of-jeweller-contest-hint-4.html
Natalee--Thanks for the sympathy, pally. I'm doing better already. :)
Cute--Yeah, I can tell YOU never had this! Gees, I'd curse ya, but I wouldn't wish this on my worst.....wait....yes, I would. There are a few evil people in this world that should have this. ;)
Buggys--Well, she SHOULD know--she gave this to me!!!Arrrggghhh. I am feeling a bit better today, thanks.
Vanilla7--I canceled the doctor, Vanilla! I'm feeling a tad better and there was NO WAY I was going through that unless I was nearly dying. Too embarrassing.
Sherrie--Oh no! You are going to have to find some really good doctors to help you through this, Sherrie. I'm not even asking about the fire yet. I am sending you love and positive thoughts-- standing up, of course. ;) I'm sorry all that happened to you, my friend.
Anna--Really? You aren't even going to giggle?? Aw, c'mon, Anna. Everyone else is. It is sort of funny.
Dang it, Lin, I already DID this so you wouldn't have to!
I'm so sorry. A sore butt is nothing to laugh about, but you're doing it anyway, which is awesome. I love how matter-of-fact your mom was about it. "Just get some of those suppositories." Heh.
I'm glad you're going to your doctor, tho, even if he is McDreamy. Why do all the hot doctors go into butt medicine? My gastroenterologist (who did my colonoscopy) was incredibly cute. I even slept on curlers the night before.
Best of luck. I hope the baths and the seahorse floaty help.
XO
You an me both...inheriting a sense of humor is sometimes better than a fortune. Okay not always but sometimes :)
Tracy
JD--I bailed on the doctor because I started to feel better. I just couldn't put myself through that, although I may have to if it doesn't get better soon. Dang! Why do all the cute doctors have to do the most personal stuff??
Crazy--Well, humor's got to work 'cuz that's all MY kids are getting. :)
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