This whole parent thing is a wild ride and nobody tells you exactly what you are in for when you get that first “When are you gonna have kids” question. Why is this like the biggest secret—the fact that nobody knows what the hell you are doing when you become a parent—or how you learn as you go along. Or maybe you don’t learn—you just fly by the seat of your pants.
After years of being a stay-at-home mom, I’ve progressed to becoming a helping-your-kids-get-out-of-the-home Mom. And I tell you, in comparison to today’s trials, those first 17 years were the easy ones. Changing diapers, midnight feedings, getting your 2 year old to sleep in her own bed, and dealing with tantrums in a crowded grocery store is nothing compared to this navigating colleges crap.
You have never felt like throwing up more than sitting in the financial aid information presentation at the college of your liking. I’m suggesting that they tape air-sickness bags to the back of every seat just in case the pit in your stomach decides to move up towards your throat. There is no mention of this part in those insipid baby-raising books—and I don’t care who you are—you can never save enough money to feel like you are home free in the signing that college application.
And there is so much work before you even get to the campus visits: you gotta encourage/threaten your teen to decide on some course of study, figure out big or small school, public or private, in state or out, university or community college. It’s a freaking maze of questions and answers that all depend on your child/young adult and whether or not they even know the answers. And don’t ask them—it just leads to deep sighs, eye rolling, and disgusted under-their-breath words for you and Dad.
It’s a no-win situation getting them to take the ACT/SAT more than once or twice, researching colleges online and actually getting them to make some sort of move towards their college years. Okay, so yes, there are those over-achievers who make the rest of us feel like losers—those kids who know exactly what they want to do, where they want to go, and how many freaking scholarships they have to pay for every minute of their education. But, my kid isn’t one of them. Nope. He has no freaking idea on any of this. And it is making my life hell.
So, we visited our first college this weekend. It was a convenient stop on the way of picking up Em at band camp at another college in another part of the state—so we made a weekend out of it. I will reiterate my thoughts of last weekend and how freakingly flat and boring our lovely State of Illinois is. But we survived and I napped…..a lot.
It was a lovely day of happy college kids and personnel all greeting us and smiling at us to show how happy and nice this college is. It was tree-lined and lovely. Its dorms were functional and…..well….dorm-a-rific. The union was updated and loaded with hip junk food places and smoothie shops. The campus seemed safe and easily navigated on foot. It was so…..so…..collegey. And it brought me back to my days of visiting campuses all those years ago.
I will have to say, that as much fun we had, it was difficult to be the parent on such a visit. We treaded carefully, chose our words even more so, and were so freaking positive you would have sworn we were aliens in our typically cynical bods. We pointed out the plus side of everything, making sure that our words wouldn’t somehow discourage Col from his choice—if it is even his choice. Who the hell knows through that grumpy you-are-embarrassing-me smirk he wears on his face daily.
We survived. We collected more paperwork than a government office, and added that school to the list of possibilities. And then we will go to a few more schools to repeat the process. You know—just to get thoroughly confused on where to go.
So, when you are sitting there awaiting the birth of your child, cleaning up barf for the third time in an hour, or trying to figure out how to get your 3 year old not to cuss in pre-school—just know it gets worse.
And no, I still haven’t figured out how the hell we are going to pay for it either.
14 comments:
I can't even imagine what it's like to be in your shoes. Well, maybe a little only because you described it so well. I always felt that decisions for college came so fast and furious at a time when the initial decisions such as "what do I want to do for the rest of my life?" weren't even made yet.
I knew you couldn't go the whole weekend without a live post. (snicker!)
I have a whole 'nother hell to deal with when my daughter approaches her senior year.
Word to the wise, don't let the wiles of each school overwhelm you. Know for sure that your child is first of all, set on their major and what they'd like to do. If not, I recommend jr. college. My youngest graduated at 15 from high school and she seriously was very good at architectural design and drawing. By the time she hit 16, she no longer loved it the same way. She wasn't loving sitting behind a desk for so long. She went to a community college and still searched out her career choices and a God send of a job fell right into her lap...she now works at a newstation for ABC. She loves it and it's far from what she had imagined. Be supportive but make sure that they know what it is that they would like to pursue before you jump head into it.
PS--glad you're back!
Arghhhh! You have suitably frightened me. I might have soiled myself. You are talking about my future in just a few short years and the panic, which had already started to set in, is now at 4 alarms. I have to go breathe into a paper bag now.
I'm doing Motherhood:The Sequel. I have had custody of my now 4 year old grandson for two years. He had early trauma (mom left them, 6 months later dad died and he was alone over 24 hours in the crib before anyone found them)and is now a happy little guy ready for potty training. So yesterday I get from him "I don't want to sit on the potty, I don't want my poopies to get wet." Argh.
I just finished my degree after 32 years of trying and raising kids. I am 3 credits short for the actual diploma and can't seem to manage it. I remember the ill feeling when I signed up for financial aid I never wanted and am now paying off $27k student loan debt.
I'm no where near those college years tho the time seems to be flying.
I never dealt with college for my kids. I'm living a combination of Jerry Springer and Dr Phil with my kids.
My eldest is 17 too and this whole college thing is a nightmare! Picking a college, ACTS, financial aid, man, it's all a giant pain. I feel for ya!
Hey Lin, (secret) the way you get in, and pay for college in Illinois is with CLOUT! Actually, I am convinced our national economy depends on colleges. 6000 of them! Think of all that pizza and beer, not to mention travel, sports, laundry, satellite & ancillary services! For millions the American Dream of owning a home has been supplanted by college costs. Taxes/College Costs/Death.....Fran's Dad
Here is how we encouraged our Princess to make her college choice:
Loyola-Chicago $40,000 a year,graduate and live in the basement till you are 39
or
Southeast Missouri State University, $15,000 a year, school offering scholarships, grants... moving out after a year in the basement
You also have to view this parenting/college thing like teaching your child to ride a bike. At first you hold onto he seat keeping their balance for them (where we are in life now), then you let go one day and amazely they set sail down the pavement alone and keep balance--most of time, we hope.
I know times are very different now then they were when I was the age of your son but I went to a community college for two years and got my AA in European History ( I won't begin to tell you how useful that was) then I went on to a 4 year school to finish in Art History (even more useful, eh). But I had very supportive parents who said if I was paying for it (and I was) I could study what I wanted. Whether that was supportive or subversive I don't know. I wanted to go out of state but they wouldn't let me and I couldn't afford that on my own.
I only did one more year. I goat a job in a bank. I worked my way up to Vice President before I got sick. I did go back to college while working and finish with a business degree.
I had NO clue what I wanted to do when I finished HS. I would have loved to have been a teacher but was disuaded because it was a time of a glut in the teacher market. I was very happy and successful in the career I ultimately chose but not neccessarily satisfied if you know what I mean. Although I did meet my hubby in the drive in window of my bank.
Does you son have a passion outside of traditional college study? My brother sucked at academics but went to culinary school and became a very successful chef. My other brother went to college got his degree and now runs a very busy business that puts dumpsters on job sites. Still busy in spite of the economy. He says he didn't need his degree to start and make his business run (liberal arts major)
Boy this got long, sorry.
I am sitting next to you holding my barf bag too. Col sounds like Robyn. The stress of their senior year has already started, but the school year has not. She doesn't really want to look at schools past the one we looked at last month. Sure it was great, but $30,000 a year before housing, food, and books, it better be. She did seem understanding when we told her no on that one. Hopefully it will get better.
Oh Boy... Well, college costs just a ton more than it used it. Thank goodness we are done with all that!
A-freaking-Men! I am a little ahead of you since Amber started with the summer semester, but I have to admit this has been a really rough time. I think I've experienced every single word you wrote. I keep telling her to continue to look for scholarships. I tried to get her to take the SAT again. Had she taken it she may not have had to do the summer college program. Every time I think about what's next I feel sick AND she's pre-med. So I have like 1,000 more years of this.
Luckily, and I use that word loosely, she has taken on the responsibility of keeping up with her financial aid office and staying on top of the paperwork. So, maybe you can rest a little easier after his first or second semester.
I was so glad when touring schools was over and she had made her choice. I silently did a little happy dance with a witch-like gleeful sound as I went through all the papers I'd gathered and threw them away.
Oh my, you've hit a nerve here. Sorry for the long comment. Just know that I feel every inch of your pain. Good luck and, take heart, at least we don't have kids who want to "sit out" for a year!
Beaded Tail--No kidding--so many decisions to be made! And it seems like there is more pressure than when I was going through this. We'll survive---just long enough to start Em on the process. Ugh! Aren't you glad cats don't go to college??
Lola--It's awful, and add to it a very snippy guidance counselor who's riding my back. You know--I've unloaded that one on you already! Girlfriend is STILL emailing me! I may have to kill her. Thank GOD for the meds these days--I can actually deal with her stressing me out.
Chocolate--Thanks for the advice. Col knows what he wants to do, but his choice conflicts with the size school he wants and his personality. He wants computer science which is typically better at bigger schools with more money. But he needs to go away to be more social and probably a smaller school would work best for him. My head is SPINNING! He's happily blocking it all out. I may have to kill him.
DG--There really isn't anything you can do other than saving some money ahead of time. All college shopping and figuring it out has to be done while you are in the thick of it, unfortunately. We all do it and survive, I guess. It's just my turn. Ugh.
Helene--Okay, you definitely got it worse than me!!! Poor little guy--he's got quite the load to start out with. I hope you can manage all of this, and you will. We survive somehow, don't we. That's why god invented vodka.
Jane Doe--Does everyone feel like throwing up during this process?? 'Cuz I do. And when you talk about it, everyone just sort of nervously laughs--I think all of us are secretly freaking out.
Fran's Dad--Your Frannie is like the dream child--I heard about her grades, her accolades, and the scholarships that she worked so freaking hard for!! You have the right to be very, very proud of her. Not that it was easy for any of you, but she is SOMETHING! I wish she could rub off on some boy I know. If he would TRY for a scholarship I'd be happy. Ugh. So, you survive after all?? I'm worrying because I don't think I'm gonna get into Burr Oak afterall. I hear there's a hold on burials these days.
Jodi--Good analogy. I'm hoping that works. We are being realistic in our college choices --but I still wonder where all the money is going to come from. We may have to cut down on cat food for Hobbes.
Merry--Other than community college, it seems the cheap colleges are around $24,000. It's crazy!! It's such a difficult decision and it is not all monetary. Isn't this nuts?? So much pressure going into senior year! Yikes! For them and us! Glad I've got you to share this hell.
Sharky--Things have changed a LOT since I went to college. They don't even know what a "hot pot" is anymore!!
Petula--Yeah, you've been through this too! Isn't it crazy?? I'm glad that she made a decision and is there already. I'm all worried about what I have to have filled out and when. It is very stressful. And taking a year off was NOT an option. I think that is a disaster in waiting. Glad you survived--it gives me hope. :)
Ugh, thanks for the words of encouragement. At this point in my life, I would trade the tantrums for college shopping any day of the week. Ok, the cuteness that is a one and two year old is pretty darn cool so I'll stick it out here. I remember shopping colleges and how excited I was to take the tours. Good times. Then working full time the next six (what? I took a year and a half off in the middle) to pay for it myself wasn't the most fun I've ever had. Oh well.
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